A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap!' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow!' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Direct Marketing.

__________________________________________________ _________________

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."

- That's Advertising.


__________________________________________________ _________________


You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Telemarketing.

__________________________________________________ _________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Public Relations.


__________________________________________________ _________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

- That's Brand Recognition.

__________________________________________________ _________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.

- That's a Sales Rep.

__________________________________________________ _________________



Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

- That's Tech Support.-


__________________________________________________ _________________


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

- That's Spam.

Mike was going to get married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.? On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big; I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we never had any problems.'

'Hmmm,' said Mike.? He thought that might be a good thing to try.? On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.? They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly.? I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Ka ren took off her pants and handed them to Mike.? She said, 'Here - you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly.? And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.' And they lived happily ever after.

Hello ... Operator
 

Actual call center conversations!


Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland .'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

"F(x) = a + 2b walks into a cafe, and asks for a hamburger with egg and cheese.
The proprietor replies, 'Sorry, but we don't cater for functions.'

I may be one of the 2.867% that finds ^^^ that funny...

I'm a numbers guy. Always like math and don't know why. I thought it was funny as well Scotz.

Now we only need to find the 0.867 to get a clear picture of who these strange folk are.

Miss Beatrice
 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. ONE AFTERNOON THE

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and, in the water floated, of all things, a condom.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon, it got the best of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease."

"Do you know ... I haven't had teh flu all winter."

Moose vs Elks
 

Two guys drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that a moose has sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Ah shit," says his friend, "and I just joined the Elks".

"Two inmates were waiting to go up before the parole board. The first inmate says to the second that he doesn't think he has much chance of getting out. The second inmate says, 'There's a sure-fire way for a good-looking bloke like you to make parole - proposition the chief warden's wife. You'll be out straightaway.' 'Don't be ridiculous,' says the first inmate. 'Everyone knows you can't end a sentence with a proposition."

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

Daryl is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees

his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself"

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

"Shazza", he says

"Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too















and drives off.

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold

a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr
old

what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place...

smack his arse again!"

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully
Steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
Rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
Bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the Traffic
becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
Vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"
"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by The
road?" he asks.
Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde.
"Those are my emergency flashers!"

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern
University.


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached
it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look
on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events
of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while
staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





Probably wasn't the same elephant.

All Wal-Marts in Alabama have sold out of ammunition!


Alabamans just found out Russia invaded Georgia.


They intend to hold them off at the border.

he 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just rest and let the poison work.'

THE REAL OLD WEST

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learning' something' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much

:roflmao:

Thanks soda.

Newspaper Ads.


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.


8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!







FREE PUPPIES:


1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.






FREE PUPPIES...


Mother, AKC German Shepherd.


Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.






FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.


Looks like a rat. Been out a while.


Better be a big reward.






COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.


Also 1 gay bull for sale.









JOINING NUDIST COLONY!


Must sell washer and dryer £300.






WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .


Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.






And the best one?:






FOR SALE BY OWNER:


Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.


£1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,


Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.'

Ian says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.'

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries,' smiled Craig, 'I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Man says to his wife "why do you never tell me when you Cum"

Wife says "I don't like to bother you at work!!!"

Get yourself together and try reading this out loud. It will take at least a handful of tries because you're laughing so hard. Sorry if this is repeated but it is way to funny not to post it again.

JUST LIKE A MAN WITH A NEW TOY!!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone withthis new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going togive this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note:If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my since of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift,and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

It Ain't Easy Being a Dick
 

It ain't easy being a dick.

Got a head ya' can't think with.

Got an eye ya' can't see with.

Got to hang around with two nuts all the time.

Have a closet neighbor who's a real asshole.

Best friend is a pussy.

And, worst of all, everytime ya' get excited, ya' throw up.

:(

His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate lots of prunes --------------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -----------------------Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -----------------------------A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------- -------------- Fla min Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------- Go Gogh
his niece who travels the country in an RV ---- Winnie Bay Gogh


I saw you smiling! . . . there ya' Gogh!

One for WI.



SHIPWRECKED

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health..
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the
house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a
new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would
remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my
alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

:roflmao:

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.


He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for



a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'





The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,huskyvoice,the


woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only


fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.


2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.


3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.


4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.


5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.





'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?',





The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,'No...not


if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

May he ^^ rest in pieces...

Heard this last night, took ages to remember.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One said to the other,

"Let's go in and get shit faced."

If you can read this without laughing you must be devoid of laughter
cells......









This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could
say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting
the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.





Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked
very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the
end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right
bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty
Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name
was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin
and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back
by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball,
Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock
struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran
out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that
fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had
lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success
and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had
bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on
Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome
hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and
Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

The Bus Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-Decker bus for a weekend trip. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of
the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white
knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having
a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!!

The creation.......by an Australian








In the beginning God created day and night.* He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.


He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing,* - swimming* and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans* for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth Day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer* cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes* He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good ... well ... almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.* It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

Sounds about right!

Aussie troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humour with the following: 'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF. . .'





Subject: You may be Taliban, if . . .





1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your back side with your bare left hand, but consider bacon '
unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least three.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Innocence Is Priceless
 

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

Good one.

The SETTING : Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
The FINALISTS :
* Miss America
* Miss Spain
* Miss Britain
* Miss Philippines
* Miss Iran
* Miss India

QUESTION: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA: Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA:Because it stands everytime it sees a woman ... (Applause! ... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN: Because it charges everytime it sees an opening. (Applause! ... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean actors.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance. (Applause! ... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION: And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN: Because they always enter through the back door ... (Applause! ... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA: Because it works day and night ... (Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ahh ... well, of course, ... hee hee ... I can say that male organs in our country are like chismis ...
QUESTION: Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry ... It's like, ahh like ... it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION: Hmm ... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy ... nervous!!! Hee Hee! Because ... I mean ... because it passes from mouth to mouth. (STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!)


(Found this on another site submitted by someone with a nickname of "squirt")