14820

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

__________________
If someone offers a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny??

Don’t let the hardship of the past, take away from the joy of the present

14821

Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh!

__________________
If someone offers a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny??

Don’t let the hardship of the past, take away from the joy of the present

14822

[Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show.]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.

__________________
If someone offers a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny??

Don’t let the hardship of the past, take away from the joy of the present

14823

Marge: So Mr King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
Steven King: Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time being.
Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
Steven King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the gates to Hell!
Marge: Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know?
Steven King: Will do.

__________________
If someone offers a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny??

Don’t let the hardship of the past, take away from the joy of the present

14824

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?

__________________
If someone offers a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny??

Don’t let the hardship of the past, take away from the joy of the present

14,825

14,826

14,827

14,828

14,829

14,830 down
985,170 to go

14831
[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair.]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO! They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB!
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

__________________
If someone offers a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny??

Don’t let the hardship of the past, take away from the joy of the present

14832

Homer: Family meeting! Family meeting!
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order -- I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay!

__________________
If someone offers a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny??

Don’t let the hardship of the past, take away from the joy of the present

14,833

14,834